2 Finneys Fragrances

Toxic soulmates: Are they loveable?

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I willtell you why in a minute. I have clients who tell me that they met a greatguy or gal but that they had to end the relationship because the new love wastoo toxic. Has this ever happened to you? Wait! Before you shut the door onsomeone who could prove to be a perfectly loveable person, listen to this: thereis a simple psychology that can convert a toxic companion into a lovingsoulmate. Toxic soulmates, and toxic dates, are loveable. You just have to knowhow to help them in a manner that is non-threatening. In this article, I will teach you, using a casestudy and effective relationship questions, how you can convert a relationshipwith a toxic soulmate into a healthy, long-lasting one. When men or women have had a bad experience, theysometimes hold on to the emotional pain and may even bring up their experienceduring a date or other time when they are with their current love interest. Noone wants to go on a date or be in the company of someone when they have tolisten to the person rattle on and on about how bad men are or how stuck upwomen are. However, it is important to realize that the complaining is often acry for love and attention—human beings are more fragile than we often realize.For others, it is simply a form of venting, and if allowed to vent, the personmay get over his or her anger or disillusion and be able to have a lasting,healthy relationship. Be patient. Try to walk in your soulmate’s or date’sshoes. How would you like to be treated if you had been abused or takenadvantage of in a previous love relationship and then dumped? Not a greatfeeling, is it? Don’t leave the person who might be your soulmate until youhave done your part by truly listening to find out what the problem is and thenoffering extra love and support. If nothing seems to work, consider your own healthand well-being, and then leave the person if that is in fact the best option. But often the toxic partner can change if you arewilling to help him or her do so. If your soulmate is too toxic to love and tobe with, if your date is nothing more than poison on two legs, don’t despair—thereis light at the end of the tunnel. The experience I will share below will showyou how you can help heal the person. A client came to see me about how difficult it wasfor her to meet the right man. According to her, she had met a man whom sheloved, but their relationship did not turn into marriage like she had hoped. Confusedand discouraged, she told me that she was concerned that she would never findthe right man. This woman seemed kind and sincere, and she was one of the mostbeautiful women I had ever had as a client. She was exotic and sultry, drippingwith sex appeal. But men would not stay with her. I began the counseling session by stating a simplerequest: Tell me how you feel about dating and relationships and about findingyour soulmate. She began: Client: Men are jerks. They just want sex. Theydon’t care about women. Me: Why do you say that? Client: Because every time I meet a man and wehave a relationship, we always end up breaking up. I am worried that I will getold and not have any children. Me: How so? Are you saying that just because themen you have met so far did not turn out to be what you wanted them to be, thatall men are the same? Client: Yes, they are. I am so sick of men; Idon’t want to waste my time dating anymore. It’s just not worth it. Me: But if you feel that way and say those kindsof things, what do you think will happen? Client: I will not find the man I am ultimatelylooking for? Me: You got it. You will block any chance you haveto meet the type of man you want to be with, who will fulfill your needs—thekind of man you want to be with for forever. What concerns me is, how do you knowthat the next person you shut out is not your soulmate? What do you think youneed to do to actually find that person, Efa? Efa: Give men a chance? Me: Bingo. What type of man are you looking for? Efa: I don’t want a guy to take me to a movie ordinner. I want a man who likes to go out somewhere and just sit and talk. Iwant to be intellectually stimulated. Me: What kinds of conversation do you have withthe men you have dated? Is it anything like this: “Men only want sex.” Efa: Yes, it is true. Men just want sex. Me: Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps yourdates leave because you are too critical of men, and tell them that all theywant is sex? Efa thought for a minute. I could see that she wasbeginning to understand what I was trying to explain to her. Then I continuedour conversation. Me: So if you met someone who could meet yourneeds, you would fall in love with him, wouldn’t you? Immediately, Efa looked at me and smiled. Herteeth were pure white, and she had the most beautiful smile. I told her, “Haveyou tried to audition for America NextTop Model ” Efa informed me that a number of people had asked her the samequestion. When we finally ended the session, I reinforced toher the principle that she must not judge all men as bad just because of a fewshe had met who had left her, and that she must stop telling her current loveinterest that all men are jerks, but that she must treat men as if they arewonderful, and then she would find a wonderful man. In the conversation recounted above, it is obviouswhat the woman wanted. She did not want a relationship merely built on sex. Shewas looking to connect with a man on a different level—a higher level. She waslooking for a soulmate with whom she could build a lasting relationship. When you are on a date, if you meet someone who youfeel is your soulmate but the person is toxic, get into the date’s or soulmate’smind and find out two things: First, what is really bothering the person? And second, what does the person really need, and how canyou meet his or her needs in order to make a lasting love relation between thetwo of you possible? By asking the important questions above and then reallylistening to your partner’s answers and by being understanding and patient andworking to fulfill his or her needs, you can help a toxic date or soulmate becomea loveable person for you.   Author Bio ____________________________________________________________________________ Ernest Quansah is an author and counselor with abackground in counseling and philosophical counseling. He specializes insoulmate relationships and is the author of the book How to Identify Your Soulmate . Learn more at his Web site: www.findyoursoulmate.ca

Toxic Relationships